I just typed a pretty negative post full of rant but I decided not to post it (and I erased all of it), so I’m hoping that this one will strike a motivation or two! ^^
I’m gonna type is just to give people motivations (I hope), and I really don’t mean to badmouth anyone or anything. Trust me, I want everyone to see the positivity in things.
A month ago I talked with my mom about my future. I was kinda covering up on stuff, but in the end I told her that I really, really, wanna major in Japanese linguistics. I told her that, maybe it’ll open a chance for me to study in Japan, or maybe go there for visits or something. I told her happily because, for once, I was happy because she used to not want me to major in languages and now she’s all “yeah go for it!”.
But then she replied, “No, you should take TESL. It’ll open a lot more chances. When tourists come here, they talk in English, not Japanese, right? So the best choice is TESL. Go for English, okay?”.
I was surprised. I quickly averted my gaze and kinda frowned. Yeah, I disagree, and it shows. What’s more is that she’s always trying to push her opinions on me, so I figured that it’ll happen. But why now, out of every other time. Just when I’m motivated with full force. The only thought that came to my mind at that time was, “I’ve learned and am currently learning things I’m not interested with for almost two whole years, and now you’re telling me to spend another few years of my life studying something I don’t want again?”
I don’t mean TESL is something I hate, no. That’s not it. I love English, and being able to teach it would be a bonus for me if it comes later in life, but what my heart, my greatest desire, what my brain is aching for is to learn Japanese. Now the ultimate question will be asked is “Why not self-study now? What’s the big deal?”. If you say that to me, I will bite you. Why do you think I haven’t studied Korean for weeks? School lah, that’s why. I’m telling you, I only get 4 or 5 hours of sleep nowadays.
Recently, my school have this parent-teacher day and the teachers will talk to the parents about what they target the students to achieve in our national exam. I’m happy that my bestfriend is being aimed as the student to get straight A’s, but I could see the burden she’s carrying ;;; I’m also pissed at how my other bestfriends don’t get aimed that high. What I’m annoyed with the most is the teachers are aiming me as a so-so student n____n
Not only that, I also knew beforehand that I’m listed in the school counselor’s list, in which I don’t know why. Probably because I’m a true rebel and I skipped school a lot last year (even today, but I skip school and finish my hw. lol don’t judge).
I haven’t really thought about it, but I really am beginning to get annoyed with school.
Now, my mind is so full of things to say. But let me say this one thing.
They all tell me no, telling me I can’t, telling me that’s as far as I can go. But guess what? I’ll tell y’all yes, I’ll tell everyone that you’re missing out on someone who has the ambitions as high as the sky, and I’m gonna be ready to fly. Tell me no, and I’ll tell you yes. Just you wait, and Imma make a beautiful mess.
The only thing that bothers me is that how am I gonna talk out with mom about the major thing. I really want her to change her mind soon because it keeps bothering me, but for now I gotta show everyone that I can do this. Maybe I can deal with her if I do get the results I say I would. So before that, I’ll have to… struggle more. Ah.
For the people out there who feel me, or is currently going through the same shit, let’s bro-fist and give each other a hug! It’s not gonna be easy, some days I feel like I wanna die on a daily basis, but I guess we have to see beyond that and think about our judgements once again, on how we take things, on how we think. We will tell them yes, we can do it.
Aha, and also!
I printed out some Japanese learning materials the other day, and I really feel like the motivation is all there and I can just grab it and everything, because the notes are in Malay and—- ah. I really wanna learn, but I wonder what’s stopping me. It kinda feels like I have this force telling me that I’ll never gonna have enough time. Even right now I’m feeling guilty for putting off my Korean-learning, if I take on Japanese… e_e See? This is the only negativity that cannot go away sobs.
But the notes look pretty neat ;;;;
Anyway, thanks for leading this hella long rant post! I’ll be posting a study tip in an hour or two (or schedule it) so please wait hehe byeom~